I recently witnessed the dissolution of a friendship between two women who had been extremely close. It was interesting to see the two diverse paths that each one decided to take regarding healing from this tragic event. One woman chose to do everything in her power to wreak havoc in the other’s life. She used retaliatory tactics to express her anger and pain, which included speaking ill of her former friend in their close-knit community. In the end, this behavior backfired. The second woman took a very different approach. It started with forgiveness. He approached the other woman, trying to fix the misunderstanding. When that didn’t work, she turned to the network of other women in her life, letting them envelop her in their love and support. It was beautiful to witness such camaraderie among the women and to see how the bonds are strengthened due to honesty and humility.
Female friendships can be complex. When we are young, we envy our friends, we covet their possessions, and sometimes even their boyfriends. We haven’t always been taught the importance of being happy for each other, so when we reach adulthood, these intricate insecurities travel with us. I remember when I was in my 20s and my best friend had it all, or so he thought. She had her dream job working for a television network and had boyfriend after boyfriend while I couldn’t even get a date. In hindsight, I know I should have been happy for her, but I wasn’t. I had all the things I thought I wanted in my life and I was jealous. I couldn’t find my heart to support her, and was always putting her down, reflecting my own lack of trust in her. In the end, I think this led to the disintegration of our friendship. It was a difficult life lesson for me, as deep down I loved her very much and was heartbroken by this loss. After that, I decided to change my report with women.
Throughout history, women have come together during difficult times. When the men went to war, the wives and widows turned to each other for a sense of community and family. Scarlet O’Haras was a rarity. For the most part, the bond of female friendships was strong, and this prevailed in all cultures of the world. So how do we become our own worst enemies?
We live in a culture that glamorizes negative relationships between women. Reality shows benefit from promoting competition and conflict, highlighting the ugliness within the participants. We even have the gall to call these people celebrities, as if we have to celebrate this kind of behavior.
A study from the University of Michigan focused on the importance of female friendships. In a press release, lead author Stephanie Brown found that “most of the hormones involved in bonding and helping behavior lead to reductions in stress and anxiety.” During a study at UCLA, Dr. Laura Cousino Klein, now at Penn State University, found that during times of stress, men tend to go into “fight or flight” mode. In the case of women, when the hormone oxytocin (the love hormone) is released, they tend to hang out with other women. By doing this, more oxytocin is released and acts as a calming agent. Our relationships with other women, in turn, lower blood pressure and cholesterol. “There is no question that friends are helping us live longer,” says Dr. Klein.
Today, I am surrounded by beautiful, intelligent and successful women. Instead of envying everything they have, I am very pleased to see them grow, to see them succeed, to see them in love relationships. I am always there to nurture them when their hearts need to be healed, and I never find pleasure in their failures. I love being able to participate in their happiness and, above all, be a cause of it at times. I can say this of all the women who are an important part of my life and, judging by the support they give me in return, I am sure they can say the same about me too. It took me a lot of growth to get to this point, but now that I have, my life is more satisfying than ever. Yes, my friends are good for my health and I look forward to a long and happy life of joy with them.
