Falling in love usually happens to us before we really know our partner. It happens to us because we are at the mercy of unconscious forces, commonly known as “chemistry.” Do not judge yourself for loving someone who does not treat you with care and respect, because when the relationship becomes abusive, you are attached and want to maintain your connection and love. Indications of abuse may be overlooked at first, because abusers are good at seduction and wait until they know we are hooked before showing their true colors. By then, our love is grounded and does not die easily. It is difficult to leave an abuser. Research shows that even victims of violence experience an average of seven incidents before permanently leaving their partner.
It can be humiliating to stay in an abusive relationship. Those who don’t understand ask why we love someone abusive and why we stay. We don’t have good answers. But there are valid reasons. Our motivations are outside of our consciousness and control, because we are programmed to band together to survive. These instincts control our feelings and behavior.
Denial of abuse to survive
If we were not treated with respect in our family and we have low self-esteem, we tend to deny the abuse. We will not expect to be treated better than we were controlled, degraded or punished by a parent. Denial does not mean that we do not know what is happening. Instead, we minimize or rationalize it and / or its impact. We may not realize that it is actually abuse. Research shows that we deny that survival stays together and we procreate for the survival of the species. The facts and feelings that would normally undermine love are downplayed or misrepresented so that we overlook them or blame ourselves for continuing to love. By appeasing our partner and connecting with love, we stop suffering. Love is rekindled and we feel safe again.
Projection, idealization and compulsion to repeat
When we fall in love, if we haven’t gotten over our childhood trauma, we are more susceptible to idealizing our partner when we date. We are likely to be looking for someone who reminds us of a parent with whom we have unfinished business, not necessarily our parent of the opposite sex. We might be attracted to someone who has aspects of both parents. Our unconscious is trying to repair our past by reliving it in the hope that we will master the situation and receive the love that we did not receive when we were children. This helps us to miss the signs that could predict problems.
The cycle of abuse
After an abusive episode, there is often a honeymoon period. This is part of the cycle of abuse. The abuser may seek a connection and act in a romantic, regretful, or repentant manner. Regardless, we are relieved that there is peace for now. We believe in promises that it will never happen again, because we want to and because we are programmed to unite. The breakdown of the emotional bond feels worse than the abuse. We long to feel connected again. Often times the abuser professes to love us. We want to believe it and feel calm about the relationship, hopeful, and kind. Our denial provides an illusion of security. This is called the “merry-go-round” of denial that occurs in alcoholic relationships after an episode of alcoholism followed by promises of sobriety.
Low self-esteem
Due to low self-esteem, we believe that the abuser belittles, blames, and criticizes, further reducing our self-esteem and confidence in our own perceptions. They intentionally do this for power and control. We were brainwashed into thinking that we have to change for the relationship to work. We blame ourselves and try harder to meet the demands of the abuser. We can interpret sexual advances, crumbs of kindness, or simply the absence of abuse as signs of love or hope that the relationship will improve. Therefore, as our self-confidence declines, our idealization and love for an abuser remain intact. We may even doubt that we can find something better.
Empathy for the abuser
Many of us feel empathy for the abuser, but not for ourselves. We are not aware of our needs and we would be embarrassed to ask for them. This makes us susceptible to manipulation if an abuser plays the victim, exaggerates guilt, shows remorse, blames us, or talks about a troubled past (usually they have one). Our empathy fuels our denial system by providing justification, rationalization, and minimization of the pain we endure. Most victims hide the abuse from friends and family to protect the abuser, both out of empathy and shame at having been abused. Secrecy is wrong and gives the abuser more power.
Positive aspects
Certainly the abuser and the relationship have positives that we enjoy or miss, especially early romance and good times. We remember or look forward to their reappearance if we stay. We imagine that if only he or she controlled their anger, or agreed to get help, or simply changed one thing, everything would be better. This is our denial.
Often times, abusers are also good providers, offer a social life, or have special talents. Narcissists can be extremely interesting and charming. Many spouses say they enjoy the narcissist’s companionship and lifestyle despite the abuse. People with a borderline personality can light up your life with excitement … when they’re in a good mood. Sociopaths can pretend to be whatever they want … for their own purposes. You will not realize what they are doing for some time.
Intermittent reinforcement and trauma bonding
When we receive occasional and unpredictable intermittent positive and negative reinforcement, we keep looking for the positive. It keeps us addictively hooked. Couples may be emotionally unavailable or have an avoidant attachment style. They may periodically desire closeness. After a wonderful and intimate evening, they walk away, close off, or are abusive. When we don’t hear from the person, we get anxious and keep looking for closeness. We mislabel our pain and longing as love.
Especially people with a personality disorder might do this intentionally to manipulate and control us with rejection or retention. Then they randomly satisfy our needs. We get addicted to looking for a positive answer. With time, the periods of abstinence are longer, but we are able to stay, walk on the eggshell and wait and wait for the connection. This is called “trauma bonding” because of repeated cycles of abuse in which intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates emotional bonds that resist change. It explains why abusive relationships are the hardest to leave, and we become codependent on the abuser. We can get completely lost trying to please and not displease the abuser. Chunks of kindness or closeness feel even more poignant (like recovery sex) because they’ve starved us to death and it’s relieved to feel loved. This fuels the cycle of abuse.
Abusers will activate the spell if you threaten to leave, but it’s just another temporary tactic to reassert control. Expect to go through withdrawal after you leave. You may still miss and love the abuser.
When we feel completely under the control of the abuser and cannot escape physical injury, we can develop “Stockholm syndrome,” a term that is applied to captives. Any act of kindness or even absence of violence feels like a sign of friendship and caring. The abuser seems less threatening. We imagine that we are friends and we can love the abuser, believing that we are in this together.
This occurs in intimate relationships that are less dangerous due to the power of chemistry, physical attraction, and sexual bonding. We are loyal to the core. We want to protect the abuser we are attached to rather than ourselves. We feel guilty about talking to strangers, leaving the relationship, or calling the police. Outsiders trying to help feel threatening. For example, counselors and Twelve Step Programs can be seen as outsiders who “want to brainwash us and separate us.” This reinforces the toxic bond and isolates us from help … what the abuser wants!
Steps you can take
If you feel stuck in a relationship or can’t forget your ex:
Seek professional help and support. Expect CoDA meetings.
Get information and challenge your denial.
Report violence and take steps to protect yourself from violence and emotional abuse.
When you miss the abuser or crave attention, substitute in your mind for the parent you are projecting onto your partner. Write and regret that relationship.
Be more loving to yourself. Meet your needs.
Learn to set limits.
Take steps to improve the relationship by using Dealing with a Narcissist … and Difficult People.
Get Recovery From The Breakup And How To Boost Your Self Esteem.
© DarleneLancer 2019
