By the time people are having an affair, few of them are thinking about the repercussions of their actions. They are not thinking about the consequences that will affect the family at home. If they were, it would be much more difficult for them to carry out the deception. Frankly, the faithful spouse is often more aware of the consequences that can (and sometimes do) follow the affair, but for the good of all involved, there is a real tendency to try to focus on fixing rather than living.
So sometimes it can be a shock to all parties when they look around and see the damage the affair caused to their loved ones, their families and themselves. Someone might say, “The day I found out about my husband’s affair, I was fully aware that my life was going to change for the worse. I knew nothing would ever be the same again. I had a horrible sinking feeling in my gut. I didn’t sugarcoat it.” things at all. But even I didn’t realize how low my family would fall. After I found out about the affair, I asked my husband to stay with his mother or brother because I just needed time to think and didn’t want to to be around him. My husband begged me to reconsider. He stayed with his mother for a very short period of time, but then he immediately made me change my mind. I did. I don’t want to change my mind. I wanted to give counseling something of time to work and I felt like I needed to be alone. Well, I guess my husband lost his temper because he picked up the other woman again and I’m pretty sure he lived with her for a while. Once I started to suspect this, I got a job for keep me because I knew that the marriage, things were not looking good. My children have never really been alone. I have always been a stay at home mom so while she worked the kids were left alone after school with disastrous results. They started dating kids that I would never have approved of. His grades dropped. One has been retained and will have to repeat his grade. Meanwhile, I’m a little behind on bills. I just look at my life and I can’t believe it. A very short time ago, I had a very nice life and my family was prospering. Now, my kids are struggling and it’s all I can do not to come home at night and collapse. Why don’t people consider how affairs can ruin lives before they have one? Now my husband is asking me to join counseling, but I’m not sure how receptive I am. Because I’m so angry that because of him, my life is horrible. And he’s mad that I forced him to move. So, we are both angry people who have suffering children. I wish people would think about these things before they go on life-ruining adventures.”
I have the same desire. People clearly do not think. And often, even after the matter is discovered, they still don’t understand the seriousness of their actions because many of them want to speed up the healing process. They don’t understand why it takes so long for their spouse to be able to move on. They don’t fully understand what a huge hole that affair can leave in your home life.
There is no doubt that affairs ruin lives. But I also strongly believe that since you can’t do anything about the fact that the affair happened with devastating consequences, you can actually focus on moving forward in the best possible way. I have no idea if you are even remotely interested in her marriage, but even if you are not, I would highly recommend continuing with counseling. Even if he doesn’t save his marriage, counseling will help him co-parent effectively. I would also recommend considering whether your husband’s mother (or anyone else in the photo) would be involved with the children when you have to work (assuming you can’t change your hours so that you are doing most of your work while working). they are at school.) Her husband’s mother obviously knows what’s going on. Also, there’s no reason why her husband can’t and shouldn’t help with childcare, too. Leaving the kids alone is clearly not working. And that’s at least one variable you could control.
I would also approach her husband about financial difficulties. Despite the adventure, these are her children and she probably understands the need to make sure they have a safe roof over their heads. I understand that you are angry with each other, but you are both still parents and the well-being of the children, safely, and supervision should be everyone’s first priority. I hope her husband can see this, especially since his affair set all of this in motion. No one can blame you for needing a job and being away from it for a while at first. You really have nothing to apologize for. You are trying to earn money for the household. But part of this is also your responsibility. And continuing in the same way leaves you free of guilt for that. You can decide what happens to the marriage later. But first, try to stop the bleeding for the family and children. Try to change things so that the consequences of the affair do not continue to harm your family and children. You cannot change the subject. But you can modify your reaction so that you try to protect the children as much as possible.
