Man’s inability to communicate is the result of his inability to listen effectively, skillfully, and understandingly to another person. (Carl Rogers, American psychologist)
Listening effectively requires skill and understanding. But often, even when we are listening, we can do things that make the speaker feel like we are not.
The result is, of course, that we are not being skillful or connecting with the individual in the way that he or she sees us as listening.
In a moment we will see 10 behaviors that the listener usually interprets as our inattention.
But first I would like you to stop reading and take a pen and paper.
Now imagine the following situation. You are talking. This could be in a more formal situation where you are speaking most or all of it, such as a speech or presentation. Or it could be informal, like standing with a group of friends shooting the breeze, or sitting down and having a face-to-face conversation.
Regardless of the situation, in the moments when you are speaking, what things are bothering you? Things that you are aware of and that are irritating to you. You most likely won’t say anything about them, but they are clearly annoying.
Be specific. Write down what people do or say that sends you the message: “I’m not really listening.”
Once you’ve finished your list, double-check and circle the two that you find most annoying.
Now that you have your list, let’s compare your responses to the results of a survey I did with more than 300 mid-level managers.
The big question to ask yourself as we review the results is this: “Do I ever do any of these things when I’m the listener? Because if you do, you now know the message you’re sending.
The reason I asked you to circle the top two irritants is that a total of 30 behaviors were listed in my survey. Of them, 28 had roughly the same response frequency.
However, two were well above 28 and, of them, number 1 was listed twice as much as number 2.
- Interrupting
- Lack of eye contact
- No response
- Hold parallel conversations (in an audience situation)
- Ignore the speaker to answer the phone
- Looking impatient
- Complete the speaker’s sentences or answer a question before the speaker has finished asking it.
- Abruptly changing the subject
- Multitasking: text messages; read the mail, newspapers, reports, etc.
- Nervous mannerisms: cracking knuckles, twisting hair, punching with fingers, etc.
Eliminate these 10 and you will have a lot of happy listeners.
