Below is one of the questions that people often ask me. The situation is common when it comes to erotic power exchange: one partner wants it, the other doesn’t. Hopefully this question and answer helps others.
The question
“I am looking for information that can cover the problems that arise in a relationship, particularly in a marriage, when one of the partners reveals his tendencies towards BDSM. I am the conventional spouse of a man who believes that he is dominant. We have He I’ve been married for eight years, and until about two years ago, I had no idea I had such interests. We’ve done some experimenting since I “dated,” but I don’t find it attractive at all. It’s possible that the circumstances of some of our encounters It turned everything off for me, but believe me, the blackout is permanent.
I have read a lot of information on this subject, I have read stories, I have talked to both doms and subs, I have talked to my husband, etc. I’m one of those poor fools who just don’t get it.
My husband and I have reached a point in our marriage where he has decided that he needs to let go of his notions of BD. About a week ago the question was whether I was the strongest attraction or BD was the strongest attraction. When I started talking about taking time off from marriage to give him a chance to sort out his feelings (it’s hard being married for eight years and realizing you might not be chosen), he said flatly that he would put his feelings aside for him. BDSM and its focus on marriage.
It seems our options are: set aside your wishes; I try to find a way to play with it (it’s not going to happen); we negotiate a way for him to find another “play” partner (this makes me nervous because I understand the emotional involvement involved and I don’t think I can cope with it); we split up and he pursues his needs without the baggage of a conventional spouse (not a terribly happy solution considering I love this little guy).
My question is, what is the probability that these feelings will arise in the future and cause you more conflict? We have discussed the possibility of him finding a submissive and having a “sexless” relationship with her. But several things are a problem with that possibility. No. 1, I believe that erotic power sharing, whether or not it involves sexual intercourse, is a form of sex (in other words, I’m terminally monogamous). Sorry if I’m repeating myself. No. 2, she doesn’t want to “dirty” the marriage with his needs (she’d rather get a divorce than dirty it, I suspect). No. 3, he can’t find a partner.
Anyway, if you know of any resources, people, articles, books, organizations, angels, fairy godmothers, ANYONE or ANYTHING that can help me find some answers on this, I’d be so grateful if… well I don’t know what. I am at a point where I am struggling with trust issues, betrayal (to myself and my spouse), fear, etc. I went through your list of books and articles and didn’t see anything that seemed remotely useful.
I apologize for the intimate and personal tone of this email, but I’m pretty desperate. We’re about to seek counseling (ugh, but it’s necessary), but something tells me I won’t find answers there, that the focus will be on why she is the way she is. I AM grateful to have found your website. The list of stages is VERY illuminating.”
My answer
Thanks for raising the question, because it’s one that a lot of people have trouble with. Let’s start by saying that erotic power exchange emotions probably won’t go away. Although science has yet to determine exactly what determines our sexual preferences, it is becoming apparent that at least a substantial part of it is genetically encoded. Her husband is obviously facing a huge personal problem (and so are you as a result) that is not easy to solve. Although you will probably try to keep your emotions in for now, it is very likely that they will come up again in the future and it is not unlikely that they will become stronger as you may try to keep your emotions in; the basic feelings and fantasies will still be there. That brings a lot of strain on your relationship, no doubt.
There is very little or no literature on it. It boils down to couple incompatibility (which is not uncommon, with or without erotic power exchange).
Having said that, the situation is probably not completely hopeless. We’ll get to that in a minute. First, however, another caveat. You are quite right to say that erotic power exchange (even without “the act”) is a form of sexuality, therefore, in fact, there is no erotic power exchange without sex. Having a playmate outside of the relationship is a way many find to cope with problems like these. That works? Usually not. There are a couple of risks involved in such a setup:
* erotic power exchange will bring feelings and emotions between the two of you playing. Emotions that were not there before, at least not in a “live” situation. Playmates will most likely bond, the non-gaming spouse will feel left out, and the other will be torn between two different people with whom (as in this case) they share their emotions;
* “play without sex” is what a lot of people will suggest to start with. You can take our word for it that some form of “active sex” will evolve soon, as the tension built up in active play requires a release AND accumulates sexual needs;
*Since erotic power sharing for most people are very dear, personal and treasured emotions, sharing them with someone will automatically lead to a special bond that will grow and things that shouldn’t be there will also slip away, even if the partners game are sincere. I don’t want that to happen.
So unless you find a trading partner (hooker, which in this case is highly unlikely because there are very few sub-hookers), you pay to play but build a “relationship” with her, the risks of such a solution are huge. . And you’re right, you would have to agree to all of this too and get over it.
Now to the question, is this useless? Probably not. Without even knowing exactly what has transpired between the two of you thus far, things have probably started off on the wrong foot and her husband is asking too much. Even without the specific dominance/submission dynamic, there are very few women who aren’t drawn to “turn-on” erotica and sexuality (although you may have to accept yourself and your desires first). Of course, we are not going to throw you the routine of “you are submissive but you don’t know it yet”, because that is nonsense.
However, try to consider the following situation: you are blindfolded (with something silky smooth) and all you do is caress him, arouse him, kiss him all over, maybe tickle him a little and do everything you can to seduce him No whips, no ropes or handcuffs, no heavy leather stuff, just a blindfold, maybe a glass of wine, candlelight, soft music, comfort, enjoyment and MOST IMPORTANT, no stress. Just pure and simple enjoyment. Chances are you like him a lot and this IS an erotic power exchange environment where you let him work hard to seduce you while he will be the one to take the initiative and these are exactly the dynamics we are really talking about. .
Something like the above, and please remove the tension and stress, forget about being called a slave, master or whatever, forget about the fact that this is an exchange of erotic power, just enjoy, it could be pure and simple joy and fun . There are many other simple ways to highlight the same eroticism. For example, let him “command” you to cook a wonderful candlelight dinner for the two of you. That’s probably a good ticket to pure enjoyment, too.
The examples above are simple, very erotic and intimate forms of role-playing without all the heavy stuff and they, or other forms, can provide a wonderful way to experience what you like and what you don’t. Letting him choose your clothes for a change, doing simple things to please him, and letting him be receptive to it and respond to it, all of that is an exchange of erotic power and that can attract both him and you without the heavy stuff. The idea is to learn and play and BOTH try and experiment with FUN things, without the stress, need, etc.
Will this go further? Who will say That totally depends on you two. Try it. It’s not as scary as it looks as you can see (or at least it doesn’t have to be). It offers them both a chance to explore, so he learns and understands that the trick (in any erotic power exchange setting) is subtlety and NOT heavy stuff (most of what you see is porn and has little to do with it). do with things). people do at home).
By all means, talk about it, communicate and exchange what you both can and can’t do. That goes for you too and should be respected.
