He looked at Dan critically. “Now, I realize you know more than most of my students about the pitfalls of the late afternoon – late, when the human race seems to be most susceptible to lust, usually disguised as moonshine and romance, love, as it says euphemism.”
“In a way I remember.”
“I am sure. But now, thanks to your diligent studies, you are armed against his multiple incentives to abandon. That is why I do not hesitate to send you into battle, so that you can take from him your greatest triumph: a triumph that will bring him much more distinction.” than all your achievements in football. The clinic presents an absolutely stellar opportunity for you and Melanie to realize the potential of the wound restraints I have provided and make us all proud.”
“I appreciate your trust in me,” Dan told her, daring to ask, “Are we going out on a date?”
“You can if you want. But I suggest you have a perfectly unromantic evening right here.”
“Here?”
“If you like. You see, Dr. Ernst has been kind enough to invite me to dinner. I’ll be leaving any minute – I might add, without any concern about your mutual capacity for sexual abstinence. Tell me, is my trust in you justified?” ?
“Yes, sir. I can handle it.”
“Of course you can,” he said, holding out his hand. “Here’s to a night without incident.”
They trembled.
“Thank you for everything you’ve taught me. I’m ready.”
“Excellent!”
The ring range.
“Oh, that must be Dr. Ernst now. I’ll be right back.”
She went to open the door and Dan did his best to contain his joy.
Soon, he re-entered the lair, accompanied by Dr. Ernst.
“Good night, Dan,” she said, noticing his diploma.
“Hello, Dr. Ernst,” he replied.
“I see you graduated,” he commented mockingly.
“A well-earned achievement,” Dr. Coburn informed him. In fact, he’s come so far that I’ve decided to let him spend the evening with Melanie.
“You mentioned that when we talked,” he acknowledged. Then she changed her tone. “Now, you have your month to train the young man. Let me help you get through the night.”
“Which way?” Richard wanted to know.
“Well, first of all, I must ask, where is your vaunted ecological conscience?”
“What do you mean, Priscilla?”
“Do you always leave so much light on, when you know very well how much unnecessary pollution is created by excess electricity generation?” Having made his point clear, she went to the dimmer switch near the door and flipped it down. She then turned her attention to Dan and gestured at the new soft surroundings. “Now tell me, Mr. Fox, what does the soft light of evening bring to mind?”
He and Dr. Coburn exchanged confused glances.
He walked over to the stereo on the shelf and said, “Of course, accompanied by rousing music.” She selected a CD, inserted it, and turned it on. The soft music altered the mood of the room to a treacherous degree, and she asked Dan, “Do you feel any underlying movement?”
He yawned and replied, “I think I’m getting sleepy.”
“Ha! Spoken like a true Coburnian!” Richard couldn’t effusively resist.
“He can’t possibly be that far gone,” Dr. Ernst replied.
“You mean very advanced,” Dr. Coburn admonished her. He then turned to Dan. “I’m sure you and Melanie will have a wonderfully redemptive evening.”
“Thank you,” Dan said.
“But it’s a bit stuffy in here,” Dr. Coburn observed. “Let me open the window a bit before we go. The fresh air will do you good.”
“Thank you” he answered. “Maybe that’s why I’m a little sleepy.”
“Let’s hope so,” Dr. Ernst chimed in. “I would hate to think that yesterday’s flames have been completely extinguished.”
Dr. Coburn walked over to the window and slid it up a little. “Oh good. There’s a bit of a summer breeze.” He stepped back and extended his arm. “Come on, Priscilla?”
“Gladly,” she answered, and put her arm around him.
“Have a nice dinner,” Dan told them, “and don’t worry about a thing.”
“Thank you,” replied Dr. Coburn. I’ll let Melanie know we’re leaving.
They came out of the lair.
As they were walking through the living room, Dan heard him call out, “Mel, honey, Dr. Ernst and I are leaving. Don’t make Dan wait too long for his afternoon class.”
“I won’t, Dad,” she answered.
Dan heard the front door close. When he did, he realized that he was alone with Melanie. He considered her behavior for a moment and opted to open his autographed copy of Dr. Coburn’s book and present the appearance of exceptional studiousness. He heard Melanie come down the steps and soon appeared in the doorway. He pretended not to feel her presence.
She cleared her throat. He turned to look and was stunned by what he saw, not the usual plan: Jane Melanie, but a voluptuous young woman in a revealing black evening gown, made up to portray a seductress as far as she could handle the transformation.
“Hello, there,” she breathed. He felt the urge to move inside of him and out to her, but he held back and said as calmly as he could, “Hello, Mel.”
“Ready for your clinic?” she asked.
“Yes,” he said, and put his father’s book down on the coffee table.
She walked toward him, and her eyes couldn’t help but follow his fluid appeal.
Meanwhile, Dr. Coburn and Dr. Ernst stealthily took their presence outside the open window. His intention was to observe Dan’s evening class and, as agreed, decide the fate of Dr. Coburn’s method based on the outcome.
Melanie stopped eerily close to Dan’s adoring eyes and asked, “What do you think?”
“Tyrannosaurus Rex,” he said, and with a lump in his throat, he added, “What’s going on?”
“What’s a graduate clinic without a little temptation?” she replied in her best assumption of sensuality.
“It looks like advanced study to me,” he told her. “Thank goodness your father taught me to see a beautiful woman as mere transitory protoplasm.” He then reconsidered her estimate of her. “A great looking protoplasm though.”
“Thank you. It’s the first time I’ve done my makeup since my mother left.”
“I am honored,” he said. “I’ve never seen you so ‘Texaco’.”
“I wanted you to see me this way.”
“Just to give me a hard time?”
“Naughty boy. What kind of weather?”
“I’m sorry. It’s a difficult time.”
“Great replacement!” she said, and sat down next to her. “I want to look dazzling for you.”
“In fact?” She answered her, her voice inevitably rising an octave.
“Un-huh,” he intoned, and looked at the coffee table. “Reading Dad’s book again?”
“Yes,” he said. “I need all the knowledge I can get.”
“We all do,” she exhaled, and put her hand on her leg. “I think I like you.”
“In fact?” he answered her, and sought her resources. “What About Coburn’s Sixty-Third Axiom? ‘Touching Leads to -‘”
She silenced him by kissing his lips deliciously and completed the premise of the axiom for him. “‘- excitement.'”
“This is really advanced stuff,” he said. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”
“It’s not advanced,” he said.
“It is not?” she struggled to say.
“No, it’s serious.”
“This?”
“I’m not in the mood for a postgraduate clinic,” he whispered, and twirled a strand of his hair.
“You are not?”
“Not really.”
“Well,” he asked, “if it’s not a clinic, what is it?”
“Just me, myself and me.”
“Ow,” he said. “You’re making living by the book a real challenge.”
“Am?”
“Yeah. I mean, part of me says, ‘Look out!’ And the other party is like, ‘Wow, this is hot!'”
“Which part are you going to hear?” she asked, squeezing her leg.
“Mexico! The whole enchilada!”
“Very well,” she said, and took a tender bite of one of his earlobes.
“Texaco! High Octane!”
“Silly boy. Do you really think you can resist me?”
“I’m throwing away everything I have.”
“You are the first man who took my dad’s training so seriously.”
“First?”
“First”.
“You mean, everyone else -“
“- I only wanted one thing.”
“Tyrannosaurus Rex?”
“No, big boy. Sex,” he pronounced, and caressed her cheek with the back of his hand. “But you’re different, aren’t you?”
“You can bet on it,” he admitted, and then tried to understand the truth of his plight. “Can I ask you something?”
“Go right ahead.”
“Are you really being yourself or are you just trying to bring me down? I’d like to know.”
“Would you change the way you behave?”
“What could.”
“I’m just being human.”
“Not just my downfall?”
“No, not tonight,” he whispered, and undid the top button of his shirt. “I think we deserve a night off, don’t we?”
“Wow,” he said, “this is getting hotter than a jalapeno pepper.”
“It is?”
“Yes.”
“That’s because I adore you, Dan.”
“You do?”
“Yes. I so want you to be the first man I ever have sex with.”
“So much?”
“You have no idea,” she said, and leaned down to kiss his bare chest.
“I didn’t know you could be so sexy,” she commented.
“I don’t normally show my true emotions,” he said, moving his hand further up her thigh. “I want to be naked with you.”
“You do?”
“And make wild and crazy love with you.”
“Melanie, I’m not sure your father prepared me for this.”
“That’s two of us,” she told him, and reached for her now rather erect “lover.”
“Okay, Melanie,” he said, “that’s all. Calm down or I’ll call off my practice.”
“I want you to fail.”
“What about your virginity?”
“I’m only human, after all.”
“Well, what about your dad? If he found out you had sex, he’d kill him.”
“Are you going to tell him?”
“Are you?”
“Why would I do that?” she answered, and whispered in her ear, “Please make love to me.”
“In fact?”
“I’m so crazy about you.”
“I can’t,” he managed to assert, and tried to snatch her hand away, but she was determined to keep it where it was.
“Why not?” she wants to know. “I think she might even love you.”
“Come on, are you kidding me?” She leaned back and looked at him with what he decided was totally disarming innocence. “No, Dan. I really have this deep, tender feeling that says I always want to be near you and, yes, make love to you.”
“Okay, I’ve heard enough,” he said, “you’re breaking my heart.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m a rotten liar, that’s why,” he finally had to confess.
End of installation eight
(Extended parody, presented in 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the 8th installment; previous ones are featured on this site or under each new installment on NewsLaugh.com, in case you miss one or more.)
